


Heavy

by be_the_trash



Category: The Heroes of Olympus - Rick Riordan
Genre: Cutting, Depression, M/M, Minor Nico di Angelo/Will Solace, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sad, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, low-key though, well not really but kind of more implied than directly stated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-20 21:19:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15542373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/be_the_trash/pseuds/be_the_trash
Summary: Nico has been through a lot and sometimes it all comes crashing down on him. He doesn't know how to properly deal with his emotions and that catches up to him.Trigger Warning read the tags.





	Heavy

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in like 20 minutes because I was sad and I didn't re-read or edit it for errors so I'm sorry if it some things are a little off. Yes, it's basic, yes it's short, yes I think I've written too many one shots about suicide (some that I've taken down because they're bad, which might happen with this) but hey writting it is better than doing it, so enjoy!

Nico couldn't do it anymore.

The razor clattered to the floor along with droplets of blood as his vision blurred from tears. Why did he always go back to this? Why couldn't he stop?

Three weeks. It had been three weeks since he'd last let himself do this, but now his arm was bleeding again and his head was spinning. All he could think about was the cold, dark pit.

Tartarus had left him as a shell of who he was. An empty shell he tried to fill with pain and blood but he never could. Maybe it was better that he just kill himself now and save some poor monster the trouble.

His knees hit the floor, jolting him slightly. He quickly wiped his eyes with the backs of his hands, ignoring the stinging of his arms, and looked around. His razor was on the floor next to him and Nico was kneeling in his own blood. Shakily, he reached for the razor to put it away when a memory flashed through his mind.

 

_Nico screamed as the blade was driven into his stomach. He dropped like a stone and curled into ball, choking on his own blood as it flooded his throat. He turned his head and spat it out, struggling to get to his feet when he felt a sword slice across his back, opening another deep cut._

_Nico collapsed. If only he could grab the ambrosia in his pocket. As he reached for it, however, a giant hand picked him up and Nico screamed in pain._

_A booming laugh rattled his skull and a taunting voice said, "Little demigod, did you really think you could defeat us? You are lucky Gaia has plans for you or you would be dead. Instead you can become our entertainment, our main event! We'll see how long you can survive, we'll push you past your breaking point until you become just like our animals! Obedient and quiet."_

_Nico groaned as the world tilted and suddenly he was falling. He heard a weird grating sound of metal on metal and forced himself to look around. The giants had put him a jar. He could already feel the at getting stale, but he refused to let himself panic. He always had the pomegranate seeds if it came to that._

_But for now, maybe he'd just rest._

 

Nico shuddered. Putting himself into the trance had saved his life and it was suppose to have saved his mind, but Nico had been to late. He refused to admit the twins were getting to him but the pain and the humiliation had broken him days before he ate his first pomegranate seed.

The pain in his hand finally reached Nico's brain and he let go of the razor that he had been gripping. More blood flowed from his hand and he just watched it as it steadily trickled down his hand to drip on the floor.

He wanted to end it so badly. He wanted to be reborn so he could be dipped in Lethe and forget this life forever. The only thing stopping him was what Will had said when he had walked in on Nico during what Nico liked to call his cleansing sessions.

 

_"You are strong Nico, don't ever forget that. You went through Tartarus by yourself and you stayed_ you _. There isn't a demigod alive that isn't as strong and brave as you. So don't tell me you're weak, and don't tell me I can't love you, because I do. I love your smile, those few times you let me see it. I love the way you hold yourself, confident and brave and just so..... Nico. It hurts me to see you sad like this, but I'm not angry or disappointed in you. I'm mad at myself that I haven't seen it before, but now that I have I can help you. We'll get through this together if you'll let me help. Please, Nico. Stay alive for me."_

 

Nico clung to that memory as he told himself to put down the razor. He forced himself to stand, his legs shaking underneath him. He couldn't survive like this.

_Talk to Will_ he told himself firmly, but he didn't listen. Will didn't want to be bothered by him. He didn't love him; he pitied him. He pretended to care, even though Nico couldn't figure out what he had to gain from it.

_You know that's not true!_ he screamed. But did he?

"I'm sorry, Will," Nico whispered, "I'm not as strong as you thought I was."

Nico held his arm out over the sink and placed the razor in the crook of his elbow. He closed his eyes and whispered in a horse voice, "I just need to forget."

He pressed hard, harder than he ever had before, harder than he would have thought necessary because this _couldn't_ fail. He took a deep breath in and held it, shaking. He kept his eyes tight closed as he dragged the blade down his arm, to his wrist, and into the palm of his hand. The pain filled him with a weird sense of happiness. The happiness of knowing it was finally over.

His brain forced his lungs to suck in air, but Nico kept his eyes closed. He put the blade to his skin again and made two more long cuts on the same arm before switching to the other

The world was already spinning slightly and even though his eyes were closed, Nico felt like he had been spun in a million circles then stopped suddenly. Gravity took over and he went from standing up to laying on the floor staring up at the ceiling without realizing it was happening.

He dragged the blade slowly across the other arm. His muscles felt weak and numb and the pain was fading almost as soon as he started to drag the razor through his skin. He was sweating profusely but he felt so cold he was shivering. He opened his eyes and squinted at how bright everything was.

Pulling his left arm up to watch the blood flow down it in sick fascination took a lot of effort. When he finally managed to do it, he noticed his fingers along the edges of his fingernails were slightly blue. For some reason he found this funny and a slight smile played across his lips as his arm gave up trying to hold itself up and fell back to the floor.

Everything was so peaceful. His mind was clear and quiet. The sounds of camp were no longer buzzing in his ears and he closed his eyes again. Then he was falling...

 

falling.....

 

 

 

falling.......

**Author's Note:**

> Please comment what you thought and any constructive criticism is very welcome.


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